HOLDING ON TO THE IDEA OF A FRIENDSHIP

I feel like for a long time, I was trying so hard to deny, disregard, undermine, and justify your hurtful words and actions in order to hold on to our friendship, but I can’t do that anymore- even though it's so hard for me to completely let go.

I wanted to believe that we had just decided to honor our love for what it was and respectfully end our partnership while still maintaining the friendship we had built. I wanted that so much. So much so, that I would disconnect myself from the undeniable realities.

Navigating the breakup has been really conflicting because although I was hurting because of you, you were one of my main support systems- so I wanted us to support each other through this transition. However, I have to accept what actually occurred.

All of this goes to say that what I wish would be our reality- can’t be. I can’t pretend like nothing happened and just move forward como si nada like you have made it seem. I can’t allow someone who caused me so much excruciating pain to continue to be actively present in my life in an emotionally intimate way.

This is not the way I wanted things to end. The thing is I can’t go back in time, I can’t change what you did and I can’t undo the pain. I don’t have control over that. You made your decision and you made the decision for me. When you chose to betray me. And every single time you hurt me after that...